


Not a Bad Life

by yuffiehighwind



Category: Pinocchio - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-05-01
Updated: 2003-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-07 10:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3171502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuffiehighwind/pseuds/yuffiehighwind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felinet and Volpe are the only two of their kind. But they've been the only two of their kind for a while now, even before their transformation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not a Bad Life

**Author's Note:**

> The New Adventures of Pinocchio (1999), directed by Michael Anderson, was the sucktastic sequel to The Adventures of Pinocchio (the 1996 film directed by Steve Barron), which was a fun little adaptation of Carlo Collodi's fairy tale. This fanfic takes place just after the events of the 1999 film. 
> 
> The lovely Sarah Alexander, from the sitcom Coupling, played Felinet in this awful movie, and her counterpart was played by...some dude. Yeah, I know that even more lovely Bebe Neuwirth played her in the first film, with Rob Schneider as Volpe, but I was picturing Sarah Alexander and her costar when I wrote this.

It wasn't a bad life. On the contrary, he got pretzels plenty and utilized his conning skills to get by, and was generally very content. Of course, before, when he was human, no one gave a second glance nevermind a pretzel and his wits certainly weren't sharp. Ever. Thinking of it now, it was always quite the opposite (though he knew how to make a killer cappuccino!). Then he met her.   
  
She was a sight and always got second glances, and thirds, and fourths when she was human and especially now that she wasn't. She got pretzels because she could con anybody into giving her anything, with the exception of Lorenzini. Nobody fooled Lorenzini. Aside from a certain puppet boy, but that was another story. No, she had it going for her. She had it all. Except, of course, patience. Or satisfaction. Her greed came above all else. She wanted fame, money. He noticed though, when he'd look at her some nights, when it was just them, that she wanted more than the material. She wanted love. And he figured he could give it. He even hoped he could. And sometimes she'd give in and admit to it. They'd hold each other and it'd be perfect. And there'd be pretzels. But no, in the day, she was determined to reach whatever goal she had in that furry gray head of hers. Even if it meant sucking up to Lorenzini.   
  
Now, for the first time since they'd set out in search of fortune relying only on their brains and had haplessly stumbled upon Lorenzini's foul carnival, they were free. Not free from the spell befallen on them by the puppet boy, despite some momentary hope otherwise. No, they were still half animal. Felinet and Volpe, the amazing cat and fox people! Puh-leaze.   
  
After it happened, Lorenzini's widow - Lorenzini himself, they'd discovered - had them put in the sideshow as freaks rather than henchmen. It was embarassing. But for Volpe it meant not being ignored anymore, even admired. Felinet was disgusted by the attention. She hated being a cat. She hated being petted. She hated being covered in fur and having a tail and sharp incisors and the instinct to lick herself clean. It was disgusting, especially since she'd never much liked cats. Volpe loved cats. Of course, Volpe had always loved Felinet. The combination was almost nice. Almost nice rather than nice because her terrible temper never let him get close.  
  
Or almost never.  
  
Because yeah, they were free of Lorenzini now. They could leave the carnival if they wanted, but then what? Outside the freakshow they'd be ridiculed or even attacked. And if not, they'd be pitied. Probably not even feared. Felinet couldn't get her claws to work and Volpe, like when he was a man, still couldn't run very well. They'd retained some humanity after all.   
  
So what would they do? Buy a house? Settle down? It was never in their nature to settle down, ever since they were teenagers in their old village. They waited and waited and waited to get out, see the world, and this was what they got. They could always just stay with the carnival, working honestly (or as honestly as carnies worked, at least) and being admired rather than feared. Yeah, that would be the life. Maybe they could still get away with conning people. But now, they knew, if Gepetto, the new owner, hired them he'd pay them well and probably give them a proper trailer. No, it would be ingrateful to keep tricking travelers. So what now?  
  
Felinet and Volpe sat on some crates behind the main tent. Her tail twitched and his swished back and forth behind them. The day was fading, the sun falling down and the trees now bathed in shadow, but the carnival was still packed with people. Felinet felt claustrophobic in the masses, so they'd come back here to escape. Volpe turned to look at her. Her attention was drawn to the forest, her eyes watching something carefully. He followed her gaze and saw a family of mice trooping along the forest floor. His mouth opened involuntarily and he panted. Felinet turned to look at him, now.   
  
"Dork. What are you doing?"  
  
He clamped his mouth shut and shrugged sheepishly. "Can't 'elp it. Saw some food."  
  
She let out an exasperated breath and rolled her eyes, but a few moments later the expression of disdain was replaced by wistful longing.  
  
"I wish I thought it was...okay to feel this way."  
  
"Wot way?" His hand nudged closer to hers and his tail wagged. Maybe, he hoped, she wasn't talking about the mice.  
  
"The instinct to hunt. To pounce on those mice there and just..." Her mouth opened and she licked some pointy incisors. Volpe's tail sunk and he nodded.   
  
"Oh. Yeah. Me too."  
  
To be honest, he didn't mind. A part of him thought he should mind, but he didn't. He wanted to hunt as much as she did. He wanted to run free through the forest and sneak from tree to tree, coming across some rabbit chewing on a bush and...BAM!   
  
Volpe looked down at his furry paws and sighed. It wasn't a human sigh. It sounded like a dog whimpering. Felinet was used to these noises now. And he was used to her meows and purrs. He liked when she purred. The human part of him thought it was sexy.   
  
"We should go get something to eat," she said, gesturing to the tent and beyond, where the carnies would surely be having supper somewhere by the trailers. "Like a sandwich or something." She smirked and purred. "Or we could find Lorenzini's old elixir machine and cook up some capuccino."  
  
Volpe smiled and his tail wagged again. "I love capuccino."  
  
"Alright, let's go."  
  
Felinet hopped off the crate and started stalking back towards the carnival. Instintively, she licked her hand and pawed at her frizzy gray hair - fur - her tail swishing back and forth. Volpe grabbed her other arm and gently pulled her back over. Or tried to. Apparently he grabbed too hard. Felinet hissed.  
  
"What do you think you're...?!"  
  
"Felinet, we need to talk."  
  
She looked puzzled. "About what?"  
  
Now or never, Volpe supposed. "W..w..wot we're gonna do now Lorenzini's a fish?" The phrase "cunning like a fox" always bugged him, especially now. He certainly wasn't cunning. What bit of him was smart in any least way was all Felinet's influence. Or rather, her smacks upside the head. And that would knock off his hat. No, he couldn't think of what to say nevermind how to woo her. He fell back on Lorenzini.  
  
She meowed. That was a good sign. Was that a good sign? Maybe it was a bad sign. She looked down at his hand - paw - that was wrapped around her wrist, then looked up at him. She frowned. Yup, it was a bad sign. "I figured we could stay with the carnival, since the pay is good here. Then again, it's also very boring." She meowed in disdain, now. "And this place is crawling with Pinocchio and his friends. I can't stand the little splinter. Especially since he did this to us." Her expression softened. "But..." She trailed off and bit her lip. "I'm not leaving without you." Taking his other paw in hers, she leaned forward so their foreheads touched. Volpe was stricken silent.  
  
"I...I'll stay. I mean, if you want to."  
  
"Well we can leave if you want to."  
  
"Or we could stay."  
  
"We could stay. Makes sense."  
  
"Good pay."  
  
"Decent lodging."  
  
"But wooden brat..."  
  
"And his pop..."  
  
"Or we could stay."  
  
"That's definately an option."  
  
"We could go an' talk 'bout it over dinner. 'Cause I'm starvin'."  
  
"Me too." Felinet purred. Through the conversation, they still hadn't moved. In fact, Volpe could've sworn she'd moved closer. Still sitting on the crate, they were eye-level, even with her standing. He could feel her press against him, smell her all around him. It was heavenly.   
  
After a silence, neither had moved and Volpe awkwardly repeated himself. "Yup, can't wait to get to dinner."  
  
Felinet took his paws and placed them on her waist. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she leaned in close and purred. "I'd just looooove some dinner."   
  
Judging by the husky tone, he figured she didn't mean a sandwich. . Or some capuccino. Or a mouse.  
  
"Um...Felinet..."  
  
She meowed and nuzzled his neck. He growled and breathed in her scent. A part of him said, "Away! Stay away! Attack!" It was the fox - or dog - in him reacting to the cat. The human part of him screamed "Sex now." He could vaguely remember to a time when they were young when something like this happened. He wasn't sure. Usually she was with the handsomer, more popular neighbor boys. Athletic and strong, and gullible as all anything (that aspect they had in common), she was drawn to them and visa versa. Felinet broke every boy's heart, though, and always came back to Volpe. Just not in the way he liked. He was usually the shoulder she whined on. He couldn't remember moments like this but felt he should. At some point, it must have happened. Maybe the water that made them this way had something to do with memory loss. Or maybe he was just dumb. But now her breath was on his neck, his paws on her hips, and he couldn't think straight. Now the dog in him was reacting. He growled and whimpered and barked as her lips neared his and...  
  
Their noses bumped together. Now he remembered why dogs didn't kiss. Their snouts got in the way. In his blurry vision he saw Felinet frown and turn her head this way and that trying to find a way to make this situation work and somehow, with some awkwardness, they did. Lips met, whiskers tingled, tails wagged, and bodies pressed close. Volpe thought at the back of his mind they should be in reverse positions. She should be sitting there on the crate, legs spread...  
  
And then it hit him and he pulled away. This was wrong. And bad. And very very wrong. Because always, their entire lives perhaps - he still couldn't remember - they'd been business partners and best friends, but never this. And he remembered all those boys who'd been played up by her act. This was an act. She didn't want him. And if she did it was because no one else would anymore. She was half human, half animal - trapped between two worlds. She was alone.  
  
But Volpe had always felt that way. Always watched her get all the recognition - what little they ever got - and attention. And even when they were in the freak show, no one ever wanted to come over and pet him. He was big and dumb and smelly. She was sleek and beautiful. He supposed it would always be that way. No, it was another of her cons. He wouldn't fall for it.  
  
"We can't do this."  
  
Felinet meowed and frowned. "Why not?" Her voice squeaked like it always did when she was angry. She put her hands - paws - on her hips and flicked her tail. Volpe hopped off the crate and started walking -uncomfortably - away towards the carnival. She was pretty and smelled good. Yeah, the human and the fox parts of him both reacted to that. Strongly. He supposed it was her influence on him that made him think twice. Was that irony? He wasn't sure what irony was. He never finished school.  
  
Instead of answering her question, he avoided it. A tactic that rarely worked but was worth a shot nonetheless.   
  
"Wow, dinner's probly gettin' real cold now, dontcha think?"  
  
"And things here were getting pretty hot. Volpe, stop being a dolt and tell me what's wrong!"  
  
"It's...it's nothin'. Just..." He gestured sheepishly towards the carnival. "...Dinner..."  
  
"This isn't about food. Why did you pull away?!"  
  
She was up in his face now, arms crossed and tail still swishing. She wasn't going to let this go. He whimpered.  
  
"You always do this, Felinet! Every single guy you...get with ends up with his heart stomped on, mashed up, and fed to the elephant."  
  
Her eyes grew intense and she poked his chest. "I'm still with you, aren't I?"  
  
This completely threw him. Thoughts raced around his head and he couldn't catch any. They were like those rabbits - or mice - in the woods he'd chased in vain, reacting to the fox instincts. And now his instincts from both sides said he was being stupid and passing up an excellent oppurtunity to release some tension - mostly brought on by recent events involving irritating puppet people - and fulfill a lifelong quest to get into his longtime friend and partner's pants. His brain, what bit was left from all Felinet's smacks and whatever his parents were smoking before he was born, said otherwise. Settling his feet in the ground and swishing his tail determinedly, Volpe returned an equally intense gaze - failing miserably - crossed his arms and stood his ground.   
  
"'Cause...'cause ya needed a lackey...an'...an' I'm a pretty gullible bloke, an'...we went to school togetha as kids, an'...Yer doin' wot ya always do. Playin' guys to feel superior. Well no more!"  
  
Felinet meowed. "At last you got some sense in that skull of yours." She sighed. "Bad time to get some, but you got some nonetheless."  
  
Volpe let down his guard, uncrossing his arms and letting the expression of puzzlement Felinet didn't admit she thought was cute fall across his face. "Bad time to get some sense? What do you mean?"  
  
Felinet pawed at her hair and scratched at an invisible enemy. She paced around him and didn't look him in the eye. "I mean I'm not playing you, Volpe. I never meant to. You were my best friend. And now that we're...unique, I suppose I'll never find anyone else who understands what it's like to...be a freak."   
  
Volpe stepped forward and stopped her pacing. "That's just it. How do I know you really w...really want...to do this. With me. After so many years of ignorin' me. Runnin' 'round with other blokes an' never givin' me any consideratin'. I can't do it anymore. Watch you go an' do all that an' then come back gripin' to me. I can't be the good friend - partner - whatever, and just nod and let ya walk all over me. I can't do it anymore, Felinet!"  
  
Felinet meowed and tried to scratch at him but he blocked it, holding her wrists back. "I stayed with you all these years because I wanted to, ninny! And if you can't see that, you're stupider than I thought!"  
  
"Well wot's different now? Wot, Felinet?!"  
  
"Because I think I realized there are things more important than money!"  
  
"Like wot?!"  
  
"Like you!"  
  
She flung him away from her and they stood there, the empty space and silence hanging over them like fog.   
  
"Really?" he ventured.  
  
She nodded. "Really."  
  
He smiled. "Well..."  
  
The hint of a grin played at Felinet's lips. "Yes?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Okay?"  
  
"Yes. We're okay."  
  
Felinet let herself smile. Closing the distance, she took one of his paws in her own. "I didn't think you had a backbone, Volpe."  
  
He shrugged. "Me neither."  
  
They stood there, behind the tent, holding paws for a few minutes and just looking at each other.  
  
"Do you wanna get some dinner?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
It would be awkward for a while. Or perhaps not. He wasn't sure. Neither was she. It was strange but wouldn't be difficult to work this new aspect into their relationship. Though they would need to work on the snout kissing problem. They'd have to practice. A lot.   
  
Yes, they'd definately have to practice that a lot.  
  
"So...sandwich?"  
  
Felinet's nose scrunched up and she sniffed. There were some wafts of cooking coming from the carnival, in the general direction of the kitchen tent. But mostly she could smell Volpe, all around her. And after the trip into the Blue Fairy's magic spring - a vain attempt to return to human form - he didn't smell that bad. Her fingers curled around his and she dragged him towards the scent of food.   
  
"Sure. As long as it isn't fish. I hate fish."  
  
"Maybe we could get some pretzels."  
  
"Sounds like a plan. But what if they're all out?"  
  
"We could probly persuade a couple clowns to hand some over. Or, ya know, we could use the ole standby."  
  
"The grab and run?"  
  
"That's it."  
  
"Heh heh heh, I like it."   
  
Yeah, it made sense, in a weird sort of way.   
  
This wasn't a bad life. On the contrary.

 

 


End file.
